waiting
it has been three weeks since they first saw trouble on a cat scan and i am so...i don't know how to explain how i feel...waiting...it is like the jury being out at the end of a trial...where they are deciding your life for you and you are simply powerless over the outcome...you both want the information...hoping for the best...but you can't ignore the dire predictions of the radiologist and the even more dire predictions of the oncologist...i am an information girl...this not knowing is getting my house very clean...i am sorting and shredding papers all the way back to the 1980's...dumping my anxiety out with the trash...i should get some news today...yard sale tomorrow...selling or giving away everything i don't love...unclogging my closets and my life...very cathartic...very therapeutic
on the Bobby front...off the zosyn coming off the vanco...starting to run temps again...how many possible foci for infection?...trach...chest...operative site...central line...multiple sticks...foley...not comfy...heart racing in the 120's...resp rate in the 60's when i arrived...suctioned him for a chestful of goop...cleaned his poor sore bottom...covered him up better he was shaking...a little more comfy by the time we left...i called an hour ago...he is sleeping and comfy...it is impossible to let go of managing his care...i think the nurse practitioner is ready to kill me if the cancer doesn't...i don't care...i just want my baby to be comfy...clean...warm...painfree...i am not looking for a miracle just some humanity
on the Bobby front...off the zosyn coming off the vanco...starting to run temps again...how many possible foci for infection?...trach...chest...operative site...central line...multiple sticks...foley...not comfy...heart racing in the 120's...resp rate in the 60's when i arrived...suctioned him for a chestful of goop...cleaned his poor sore bottom...covered him up better he was shaking...a little more comfy by the time we left...i called an hour ago...he is sleeping and comfy...it is impossible to let go of managing his care...i think the nurse practitioner is ready to kill me if the cancer doesn't...i don't care...i just want my baby to be comfy...clean...warm...painfree...i am not looking for a miracle just some humanity
posted by CCCCppppCCppp at 2:48 AM
2 Comments:
Oh fairscape - I wish I could come and give you a big hug. I hate waiting for stuff too, but I've never had any big things like this.
I'm sure the nurse understands. You're his carer, of course you're going to make sure he's being cared for when you're not there.
i couldn't have said it better...i completely understand...hate the waiting, too...not mocking you here (honest), just trying to show how much i really do understand...and how helpless and useless i feel...i know you feel the same way, tho you have no reason to...i want so much to be doing something good, comforting and useful for you. Sigh.
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