Time

It's amazing how much time goes by while I do nothing. I begin to get a sense of what a waste of time just sitting here is and then, not wanting to ,or, not being able to comprehend it I parcel it out in little ritualized bundles that I can manage. I will do my morning haiku contest. Then I will have my yogurt. Then I will do a task for Bobby, like turning or suctioning or starting his feeding or giving his meds. I check the phone for messages. Each time I sit down I remember the thing /things I forgot do do. Never remember till I sit. Never remember when I get up again. When I get hungry I have my cheese sandwich and some green tea. Then it is a task for Bobby , check phone, check mail, check email ,look at blogs. read, crossword puzzle. Potty. Everything is nothing. Everything is fill up the hours that are slipping through my fingers like mercury. Everything is designed to keep the status quo going. There is never any advancement. It is all so static and so boring. I miss being able to just get up and go. I miss being able to sleep without pain or worry. I miss the sun and the air. I miss feeling decent. I miss bathing regularly. I miss looking nice. I miss my life with Steven. I look at Bobby awake or asleep across the room in his bed. Looking out the window. Watching TV. Does he have any idea that all this will end one day? Has he ever had any real understanding of life or death? Is he happy? Could we do anything to make him happier? He seems amused most of the time. And me ? Am I amused most of the time? Donald Trump has his name on buildings all around the world. Does he need to do this to know he is alive ? I watch the sat monitor and I know Bobby is alive. Some times when he is asleep in the dim of night I need to have those numbers. The vent would just keep on puffing away if his heart stopped. Eventually he would turn blue but it would be hard to tell in the dim. I guess he will pee if his heart stops. Poo too. It might take a while to notice. Will anyone notice if I die just sitting here? How will they be able to tell?