a weak week...

What an awful pun or something...

Bobby was not entirely well when I did visit. I wrote them a note and it took them a few more days to realize it and he had to go through some rough stuff but seems to be on the mend again.

I completed cycle two of chemo. I wake up feeling as if everything should be ok and within minutes or seconds even I realize I'm not . I still have not hit bottom but Steven is taking pretty good care of me so I am clean and well hydrated and well nourished but very weak. My back is bothering me - too much bedrest.

My problematic (read nonpaying) tenant is gone. We are pouring cash into the apt. to get it ready to be rented again. Fingers crossed.

I have started to write invitations to my Spring Equinox/5th Wedding Anniversary party. I am planning for flowers and cake and dinner. I need this party.

The roof is tarped, with plans for repair as soon as the weather rewarms. Living room unlivable covered in smelly plastic. I spend most of my time in bed with little excursions in here and in the kitchen.

I was surprised to see a little snow this morning which has all but disappeared by now.

Your kind words fill me with great energy, enough to post this mundane little entry,
wish I has something funny to say.

Oh, I do have a little ziploc baggie of hair on its way to risingslowly in japan to go to some temple or something, Steven had fill out a whole customs form at the post office.

I would just like to feel like me again.

my roof's got a hole in it...and i might...

kill the roofer?

No. Then I would be in trouble. If one could imagine being in more trouble than I'm already in...

Yes the roofer has been back. He has succeeded through repeat visits in moving the leak from the window frame, to three feet into the room , to six feet into the room. It is currently pouring both outside and in and I am powerless over the weather. Due to all the pain meds I am a bit fuzzy on my usually rapid decision making processes. Still in all , killing the roofer does not seem to be the answer...the roof will still leak...it will scare off other roofers...my kharma will be impaired at a point where I will not have much time to fix it back up.

What to do???

Call my 2nd husband? He is in construction and his current wife does manage a construction office and her son does commercial roofs and they have said call us if you need help... still my ego might not be able to take it if they refused to help with this...

Call the local fight department chief/roofer as an emergency roof repair...

Call the really good, really expensive roofer I have used for my other property... he did have a quick look at it in the past...

I have to see my oncologist today... I believe I will cogitate on this until after I know what the game plan is from here out...

geez that's a lot of ellipses...

...

Thank you all for your hope and strength... even those of you who have been double dipping with multiple personas... ha...

Love to All,

fairsCaPe

ps. I need a shower, I guess I could just stand in the living room, I hear rainwater is great for the hair...

understanding fairsCaPe

As my time remaining is limited I thought I would try to clarify fairsCaPe while I can.

Once upon a time there was a married lady whose husband got bonked on the head by 4 tons of concrete at work. The married lady tried very hard to keep this marriage together for her children. It didn't work. The married lady met a married man whose wife was "exploring" her sexuality with other ladies. His marriage wasn't working very well either.

These two were poets.

They met at poetry readings and workshops and went out with groups of other poets to a wonderful poetry venue called The Paris Cafe where they had more fun vertically than most people do horizontally. Eventually they explored the horizontal (blush).

The Paris Cafe closed . By now the two poets had set up a domestic partnership but as they were still technically married to the bonked man and the lesbian respectively they could not call their home a marriage so they anagramed "Paris Cafe" and became "fairsCaPe". They had poetry readings and workshops at their home and wrote profusely and self published "chap books" on the PC.

The lady part of fairsCaPe (me) felt that anything she wrote subsequent to meeting the man part (Steven) was partially attributable to both and so I feel I am not just me, I am fairsCaPe.

Just in case anyone was interested.

Sometimes I write in voices other than my own natural female voice. People are so used to poetry being so confessional these days that they infer that the voice of the poem is actually the voice of the poet and that I am a man.

Men do not get cervical cancer. I have metastatic cervical cancer. Maybe I will come back as a man next time, but, this time I am a woman.

Steven and I are married. It will be 5 years as of the spring equinox. We have never had an anniversary party and I would like to have one. Now that I can't take the one drug that might have kept me going for another year I guess I better plan a party for this equinox.

Please lend me your strength to get there.

Love to All,

fairsCaPe

here today , gone yesterday

Needless to say, I will not be receiving Cisplatinum again.

I would say from the time they started the IV until I went unconscious it was about a minute and a half. I guess it was a couple of hours later when I woke up intubated on a vent unable to breathe turned on my side vomited and extubated myself. The people in the ER were not happy. It seem I had been very sick ( unresponsive, not breathing) when the ambulance got me there and they had had a hard time getting that darned tube in. After I vomited and got it out I felt much better, so they left it out. They sent me up to CCU and I had a nice nurse, Elsie. Elsie didn't give up until she got me my pain medicine. Good Elsie. Smart Elsie. Beautiful 68 year old Elsie. With experience comes Wisdom. Elsie the Wise.

All in all it was not a bad day. Outcome counts. I'm not dead. I can blog. Tomorrow is another day. Fiddle dee dee...